Sometimes

Sometimes, unfortunate things happen. We sometimes can’t appreciate that unfortunate things can happen until this certain moment.

People die, people whom you love can die, people whom you can never ever imagine leaving your life can die. Believe it or not, they can. And we have the less clear-cut cases. People can be ill, people can be on the verge of dying, you’ll never ever believe they will die. But sometimes they will. Sometimes, when you think you wish hard enough, they live– sometimes they do. Maybe it’s because of your wishing maybe it’s due everything unrelated to your love for them. I’m pretty sure life occurs outside the third dimension. Because we can’t understand and determine it sometimes.

Sometimes you are born into an abusive family not of your own choosing, sometimes it’s even clearer, you’re born with AIDs, sometimes you’re born congenitally deaf. Sometimes you turn deaf when you’re at the peak of your prolific music career and you’re still amazingly, Beethoven. Sometimes you’re born in the middle of a civil war, sometimes you are conceived in the midst of a war and you’re mercilessly slaughtered without even knowing what’s it like to be a full human being for 1 second.

Sometimes, Baker v Willoughby happens. You get into a car accident damage your legs and 3 years later, get shot in the same leg in a robbery and subsequently have to amputate your leg and go through a huge court affair for years trying to get compensation.

Sometimes you didn’t do anything to land your cards. Sometimes, you did do things, even if you didn’t understand, even if you’re broken, even if you didn’t mean it, even if you’re misunderstood, even if it’s going to be so hard to forgive you, even if you’re out of your mind, even if you’re stupid, even if you’re going to hate and scar forever, even if you’re a good person, even if whatever person you are.

Sometimes, people go on a death sentence when they’re not supposed to, like in that movie, and they fight and fight and plead and beg and shout and swear. All these people just beg to be understood for the people they are. But how can the court know, how can the jury know, how can anyone know, who can trust them, how can people trust them? They can’t believe it because they know on the surface and deep down, who they are and they can’t believe people don’t see it and they try and try to convince but believe it or not, sometimes people don’t. And they try and try and try with all their might, passion and determination because their life (heart) hinges on it, sometimes they do it the wrong way, sometimes they screw up further, sometimes they make progress, sometimes they succeed, sometimes they fail. But bottomline, they try and they try and they try. Sometimes, they are not marked on how hard they try. Sometimes it’s not how much you put into it. These people can’t see that because they want to believe it depends on how hard they try because they want to make it happen because it’s so fucking important to them. It’s good for these people to be credited for how hard they try. Because if you let them prove themselves and convince you, they’ll live their lives on the basis that they earned it and they’ll never forsake it and you won yourself loyalty, gratitude, determination, rejuvenation of a lifelong sentinel. But many times, these people are just left to die.

People are like pawns, many time. Look at war time, look at the holocaust. No matter who you are, you sometimes are in a situation in which you just have to eat it. Sometimes you’re terminally dead, sometimes you are figuratively– in this case, eat it when you reach the cul de sac and pick yourself up. Meanwhile, keep running, sometimes there’s a cul de sac, sometimes maybe, there’s a way out! Sometimes it’s a never-ending labyrinth. Whatever it is, we are small, we are pawns, although we are big, we can be individuals, we have the same power as a queen has to capture any other pieces on the board.

Life is random, life is messy, life is smooth, life is predictable, sometimes there is a novus actus, sometimes you are bored for a lifetime, sometimes your life is too dramatic. Whatever it is, don’t you get it. We are human beings, look at how small and how big we are! If we all truly can see and comprehend this, we won’t have overbearing egos. And ego, this sense of self-importance and self-entitlement is the root of so, so many problems that come from the ‘sometimes’. I can understand this, I can see it. Sometimes, people can’t see it. Sometimes you can try and try and try. I can see myself, I’m seeing more of myself uncover everyday. But sometimes I can’t explain to be understood and to be meaningful. To see yourself projected out and scrambled by distortions into something different and then projected back and then get asked about the distortions which you try to explain but can’t be understood. Sometimes, remotes are not held by anyone. Sometimes, very tragic things befall us, I consider myself objectively, among all of human tragedies to be somewhat not-too-tragic. To my heart though, it screams out in haunting, piercing notes and the pain can tear myself apart in a thousand messy, scattered pieces if it were willed to do so. When I make myself small though, when I see myself as a pawn, I can deal with it a little. But this is no way to live as an individual. I put my ego aside and say, I accept all that’s going to be of me. When you have to travel even if you don’t want to– at least travel in peace.

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Marks

I got to get 92.75 average for my economics units to get to a HD WAM for my commerce degree. My current average is 77.25. Last year sem 2’s average: 81. This year sem 1’s average (with my awesome winter school marks): 73.5.

Why do I want to get a HD WAM? Because I want to aspire. And I want to do my favourite subject justice. I want my love for economics to translate numerically. And of course, I want awesome grades. I know I can do so much better. And I get to appear on the dean’s list if I do. So far, I’ve achieved great marks almost effortlessly. I don’t feel like I’ve done any studying this semester. I haven’t done myself justice. So, yeah, see, if I put in the effort, the stuff I can achieve will be ASTOUNDING!!

Right now, I project I’ve nailed 21% out of 22% of my stats unit, 41% out of 50% for my micro, 43% out of 50% for my macro. I’m at a great mark but my finals have got to be more amazing than this mark for me to reach my goal.

(I just wrote to the economics department asking about economics honours. I got to get a 80% average for both micro and macro to get into 3rd year honours. I could have legitimately gotten into 2nd year honours which was easier but at that time, I didn’t know about my passion yet. I researched about honours and I’m really interested in taking it. How I knew about my passion for it was when I really was into forecasting for my macro assignment and loved the entire thing although it was such a massive crazy assignment. I loved doing it. I don’t mind a job as a macroeconomist. And during my game theory lecture, I was captured by game theory’s beauty and ideas floated into my head like using game theory in chess and all that. Other than philosophy, no other disciplines has actually sparked this in me.)

As for law, I’ve not ‘cracked’ yet. My parents used this term to describe someone who’s finally ‘got it’, ‘know what it takes’, a sort of englightening understanding. I actually find myself avoiding it sometimes. I really gotta put all my effort into figuring it out. It’s my first final and it weighs 70% and I don’t think my assignment was fantastic and my participation marks are kind of marred by some drama– tomorrow, I gotta turn up at the doc’s at 9.45am to get special consideration. I aim to really get a high credit for it at least and over the holidays and next semester, figure.it.out. I love what I’m studying, many times it really clicks with me. But I find the law assessments kind of daunting. A lot of it is in my head and this has got to stop. I am going to study the shit out of law today and tomorrow and really figure out the best way to do it. And really improve my handwriting and writing speed. It’s my first ‘counted’ law subject (foundies is not in WAM) and I have a long way to go. I am not anxious. I will make it.

Growth

It’s been a long time since I last wrote. I’m doing better than ever and by that, I know that it is by no means, perfect, nor does it need to be. It’s hard to put to words. I’ve grown. I’m gradually developing this inner serenity, this ever-firmer sense of self yet having no sense of ego. No seeking, but letting it all arrive. I know that all I say of myself is not that absolutely well-formed yet. But what I noticed is that once I arrive at a thought or aspiration, it is only a matter of time that it unfolds into reality. It is very empowering. I discovered how much quiet solace music offers and how mood/mind-altering it is. I concentrate so much more on myself and not on societal trivials, ones that may never ever affect me and concentrating on them only breeds negatives.

Most of all, I understand what it really means to be the master of my own destiny. And how absolutely important and powerful it is. I daresay that I am not yet what one can term to be in full mastery of her own destiny. But the thought, the understanding is enough as a first step and all the cards will gradually fall into place. Once your heart truly responds to any call, everything will eventually arrive. It’s a journey, everything is a journey.

I’ve understood that I am responsible for my own life. I am responsible for my own happiness. Responsibilities like such do not belong to others. Someone may make you extremely, extremely happy but that someone is not responsible for doing that and it is not an expectation, neither is it a commitment. I’ve come to realise that we’re all individual human beings out here. I’ve also come to realise that I’m one of the most giving persons. I’ve allowed myself to be vulnerable, to express myself fully. This is me, after all.

Many human beings are all too human. I’ve come to realise how common it is to reduce novelty to plainness and sometimes even detest, just because of familiarity and ego. I see, feel and think of everything like they’re new. I’m equally fascinated with the colour of the skies, the shape of the moon, the scatter of the stars every single day. When I see my beloved’s face when I rise in the morning, when we kiss, when I see him across the road before we meet… it feels like new.

I realise how alone all of us really are. We come through life alone through a passageway which only us alone by ourselves will experience and die alone. There will be people along the way. There will be unbelievably precious people who are lovingly by your side so much of the time, some caring about you so much as to be willing to be by your beck and call. But we are all alone. Only us, ourselves can write and are responsible for our own destinities. No one ever owes us anything.

And with such understanding, I feel so much more empowered. And my life is reflecting that. I’ve had at least 2 encounters over the last day that reflected this growth and a growing sense-of-self. It is never too late to learn and grow. I also understood the value of patience. We really do have all the time in the world for anything. Some guy started painting when he was 80 and got widely featured in galleries when he was 84. Beautiful creations come out of mid-life crises. Siamese twins are given new leases of life when they are 30+, 40+, after being separated for the first time. Writers often season when they are 40+. Sometimes, you just need to flip through another page, sit yourself down for another 5 minutes to stumble upon an answer or an inspiration for a problem. You got to go through the dulls and lows to ride the high tide. You got to ride through the slow, confusing suspense in order to get to a resounding twist in an anti-climax movie, like Shuttle Island. Many times, it’s just this. little. more. If it speaks to my heart, if it calls and my heart hears and responds, I will never give up.

There is nothing to lose but everything to give, love and experience. “.. almost everything – all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure – these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.” – Steve Jobs.

I’ve been taking leaps lately. Leaping out of my mental comfort zone. All the quotes, the pictures I see mostly on Facebook etc. are really helping me in this. First I’ll be introduce to a thought, an ‘aha’, something that resonates with my heart and I’ll have this desire to become, to arrive, to receive and then, it’ll slowly, consciously reflect in my actions and maintaining these actions and thoughts for 3 months, they’ll be ingrained in my habits and have a lasting presence in my life. A thought that truly resonates is so simply produced yet has worlds of importance. It’s like inception– once you have a resonating thought, it is hardly fragile or fleeting– it’s so hard to remove or keep it from growing into a delightful part of you. It’s truly amazing, absolutely heartwarming, astoundingly beautiful to see my life blossom in such a way. It takes time, I do feel frustrated with myself sometimes but I know I’m on my way.

I’m studying what I love, having causes I believe in, aspirations I desire, values I want to embody. My surroundings are so beautiful and rich. My mom and dad wants nothing but the best for me, gives me so much and they believe in me and root for me while I fail to yet fully express to them my love and appreciation– such parents are so rare nowadays. I have a boy who loves me to the moon and back, would walk to hell and back with me, who cares the world for my safety, well-being and happiness, who always wants to make me the happiest girl ever and who always want to give his all– who has such a deep relationship like that? My dearest friends, oh Duck and Turkey, who are always there, to listen and understand and celebrate, even when we’re all thousands of miles apart, who always unfailingly uplift and cheer me up, whom I never had a boring minute with, who are forever the link to my youth. I have the beautifully divine whom I’m slowly discovering and unfolding.

My life is just so beautiful and rich. And I have nothing else but to thank the universe, the divine, everything for the life I breathe.

Poison; Get Well Soon

The things I write about in my posts almost always become redundant after I write them. This will probably too. But I find these transcedent feelings interesting and thus I’m writing about them. And I need to get them out. I’ll make this one quick though, note to self, because I’ve got a test tomorrow.

I know all these are irrational. But I feel undeserving of life. For a while, I’ve had feelings of persecution, as documented in earlier posts. I feel like everything I’ve ever done and everything that I seem to ever do is wrong and does no good to anyone or anything in the world, including myself. I don’t stand to gain from these, okay. And this separates me from an evil person, who causes harm for personal gains. I go around, being my extremely flawed self and bring wreckages to everything. And then, I don’t know. How responsible am I for all these things? How much responsibility belongs to me, how much responsibility should I take? It’s been a little too much, for too long a time. I can’t remember a time when I ever remember doing something right when all I ever want to do was to do good. Was I born to be this way? I can’t seem to ascertain. And nothing helps me ascertain. If I knew, I probably can do something. I don’t know, but I’m doing lots of things. But I still feel …

So yes, I feel bad, I feel like a bad person, yada yada. But I’ve never gotten to the point of feeling like I’m undeserving of life. I felt a short wave of that just now. I feel like grabbing all the responsibility, absorbing infinite responsibilities for everything ever remotely related to me, pushing all faults, blames, harms of everything and everyone that ever went wrong to myself and die, with all that poison cradled in my arms. It’s all due to me and I take all that poison from you and let it die with me.

Of course, I know this solves nothing, and actually makes people and things around me worse off. But I just felt that way. And no, I won’t do that. And I know that that’s not the case. But you know, the feeling. I genuinely want to make all things and myself better. All I ever want is goodness in the world. Which is why I felt that way, because all I want is more goodness in the world. And if I disappear and make the world better, I’ll do it. So that’s why I felt that way. Because I feel vile and feel like I’m doing nothing but bad things, I have no reason to live, I am undeserving of life.

Strangely, this is actually pretty heartwarming. The above just proves to myself that I am not a bad person. I need guidance, I need confidance, I need a firm belief in myself and I need support. I thank and praise the divine. I will get well soon.

Dissonance; Social Suicide; Persecution

I experience quite a lot of dissonance each day. Like right now, I just checked my phone which revealed it’s 1:11. What a number. I just customised my uni timetable for next semester and got thursday and friday off, a 4 day weekend. What a timetable. I just went to my winter school lecture just now and the lecturer was talking about the merits of having an economics major, about being able to predict trends in the economic cycle, although he was referring to the merits of economics with a combined finance major. Still, it was so relevant and inspirational for my dilemma with majors for my second degree. What a coincidental dispensing of advice. I was browsing Facebook. Saw this girl who changed so much in the space of a semester because of the people she hung around with. I also knew this other girl whom I think contracted something like a curse from hanging out with this other girl and it mashed her brains up to the extent that she doesn’t even know about it. And then I also think about myself.

I’ve been going to my winter school lectures. For the past 3 lectures, I’ve not been doing any talking to anyone, except for the girl who came in late and asked me for updates. Later on, I went somewhere else to use the computer and she saw me again and asked me another question. I answered her beyond what the question required because I thought that those details were really important and she’d want to know them. See, that’s why questions are more important than answers– without knowing what you can ask about, you’ll never know the pertinent answers, at least not most of the time. I could have made a lecture-friend there. But I was too lazy and I can’t be bothered to do any sort of socialising. It’s not like I know no one from there. I know this girl from last semester who’s there. The only reason is because she sat at the row I sat at during the first lecture. I went in very-slightly late and plonked down at the third row– the first populated row of chairs from the front. I didn’t see her until she said hi to me because I don’t look around at all. I gave her a friendly greeting but I didn’t bother talking. Funny, during the second lecture, I ended up sitting on the second row. And today’s third lecture, I sat at the very first row. Because I’m always late and I just take the very front row available. I don’t even bother looking around to check out the crowd, the people I’m in a lecture with. But yes, I must admit noticing the prominent ones, like this guy who asks on an average 3 questions per lecture. This person that I am now … I’m not very familiar with.

My desire for socialising has commited suicide. I don’t know. I also think that I’m highly apathetic towards the things I am currently learning and that’s also why. I think I’ll love next semester’s economics units so maybe it’ll get a comeback. One thing I gather is that the people around me are generally not fit for my socialising with. What happened to the human stock. I do get very-slightly worried though. It’s kind-of like the structurally unemployed. It’s different from social awkwardness. I know I can socialise if I want. But I have absolutely no desire to. But because of this lack of desire and therefore lack of ‘practise’, will I then forget how to socialise? Or be so unpractised and unfamiliar with it that I then become socially awkward? It’s strange. I know I’m getting misunderstood by more than 99% of the people I meet because I act in a way that doesn’t portray who I really am. But then, acting in a way that’s unrepresentative of yourself also speaks something about yourself. So unfortunately, that’s still me and getting misunderstood is part of my nature at this moment.

I gotta solve something. It gnaws at me at the back of my head. I feel guilty at my very existence. Why do I internally persecute myself this much? I feel like my entire life was a mistake because of something. But at the same time, well yeah, if you read my blog you’ll get an idea. At the same time, I don’t truly think so because of blah blah blah. But it’s just a feeling that just crops up. I can try to rationally reign it in but it’s just that feeling. And possibly because of this guilt that I’m a mistake, I’ve lost the willingness to interact with anyone … most people. And maybe at the same time, I feel that others are somehow persecuting me which may be true for a minuscule % of the population but the feeling shouldn’t apply to all the others. But I still get that feeling. I think unconsciously/subconsciously, I feel like a vile, vile being. But I Know I’m not really. And then I feel that everyone thinks so. And I don’t want to get persecuted in any ways anymore. And so I withdraw. I know this is not healthy. I’m not going down this path when the new semester starts. For now, I’ll take the time to understand myself and work this out.

So much dissonance going on. So many seemingly disconnected things around that are sort-of connected. We fleet from one location to another, one social setting to another, one thought to another like we’re jumping among different things, leaving and arriving like it’s ‘A’ and ‘B’ and they’re different. But A and B are both part of the wider alphabet. Everything we go through we go through with our same person. All the things then get mashed up complicatedly within ourselves. Everything single littlest thing that we do has a effect. It is horrifying and awe-inspiring if you truly consider this. Every single littlest thing. It’s hard to keep track where this and that goes and what this and that does. Hence the dissonance I feel. I feel like I’m walking in a dream, those lucid dreams like in Waking Life, from one to another but all seemingly connected.

No Reason

To everything, I can most summarily give a bitter laugh. I don’t know what to say, I’ve paused after that first sentence for a while and even before the first sentence, considered for quite a while. I just don’t know. There’s no way to approach writing about or thinking about this. It’s as if I’m no longer in the picture. It’s no longer about me. It’s no longer about a certain party. Nor is it so much about a certain thing, tanglible or intangible. I don’t see any self-interest or any self-interest in any living or non-living thing. Life is surreal and it’s gonna be sort-of, more-or-less that way. See my slightly uncertain language. I still want to believe differently. I just want to find rightness, I want to find truth, I want to find human manifestations of that. I gave up earlier this year. That was a unpardonably wrong move. I was pushed over. And now, when I see it all clearly, when I can point my finger to things. The thing I see is organic. It’s battered because of who I am, it twists, it bites me but it adores me. I treated it wrong. There was no instruction manual that I can understand. Of course, I haven’t ever encountered such a thing. All my life. I couldn’t have. Even if it were written in modern English. Punishment seems to never stop. I’m punished for the bundle of genes, skin and bones that I am born with. Of course I hope and have to believe that it’ll all halt one day. I’m still working towards that, my entire inner being, no matter how bleak and unwilling to live anymore. It’s a wonder I’m still alive with all that in me and outside me, combining together and messing each other up, I’m supposed to be dead a few years ago, but I can never. That is why I think I am strong. No matter what anyone says. It’s because of that robust inner belief that never ever fades, never ever faded and never will. I’m being called irrational. True, that belief is not grounded on reason, or anything at all. It’s not even grounded in faith, though my faith is strong. It just exists, it’s just there, with all my punishable genes. And that irrationality, that unbaseless existence is the strongest thing ever. When something is based on nothing, nothing shakes it.

(Thought this was published but I didn’t press that button and it got saved to drafts automatically but is incomplete. Not as relevant now. Publishing for keepsake.)

Joanna Newsom – Only Skin

I have got some business out at the edge of town
candy weighing both of my pockets down
’til I can hardly stay afloat, from the weight of them
(and knowing how the common-folk condemn
what it is I do, to you, to keep you warm
being a woman, being a woman)

but always up the mountainside you’re clambering
groping blindly, hungry for anything:
picking through your pocket linings – well, what is this?
scrap of sassafras, eh Sisyphus?

I see the blossoms broke and wet after the rain
little sister, he will be back again
I have washed a thousand spiders down the drain
spiders ghosts hang soaked and dangelin’
silently from all the blooming cherry trees
in tiny nooses, safe from everyone
– nothing but a nuisance; gone now, dead and done
be a woman, be a woman!

though we felt the spray of the waves
we decided to stay ’til the tide rose too far
we weren’t afraid, ’cause we know what you are
and you know that we know what you are

—————————————-

This song has been with me for years and its meaning evolves.